Adore
by la plus heureuse
Summary: Lily Evans has always loved Christmas. But when she finds herself unexpectedly pregnant in the middle of the war, will there be anything to celebrate? Oneshot. Complete.


_December, 1979_

Lily Evans always loved Christmas. As a girl, Christmas was the most magical time of year. It was a time for draping lights around the Christmas tree and singing carols and thick glasses of eggnog after dinner.

And then she went to Hogwarts and Christmas became even more magical. How could it not be, with fairies flickering in trees and magical snow falling from the Great Hall? The magical world felt the most magical during Christmas, a distinction no one else understood.

No one, until James came with her to the muggle world with her over Christmas break during seventh year. He sat around the artificial tree with her and her parents and ate every Christmas cookie her mother pushed in their direction and listened to her dad's Bing Crosby Christmas album, until, her cheeks flush with embarrassment, she made excuses for his departure and escorted him outside.

"I'm sorry," she said, feeling hot and foolish. "I know it's nothing like what you grew up with."

And James had taken her face between his hands and kissed her so steadily and so gently that she felt delicate in his hands.

"No, Lils. It's spectacular. I can see why you love it so much." His voice was husky. Lily swallowed her pride and let herself say what she had wanted to for so long.

"I love you," she said, her eyes pleading. "So much."

"Well I can see that too," James said, and kissed her again, so deeply that her knees started to tremble.

"I just want you to know. You don't have to tell me too," Lily said quickly. She bit the inside of her cheek. It was all moving too quickly. They had only been dating for a few months and now she loved him and he had met her parents and he would think she was crazy.

And then James let out a broad laugh, his head falling back.

"Lils," he said, his eyes sparkling, "I've been in love with you for years. And I haven't exactly been sly about it." His long fingers found a stray lock of her hair and tucked it behind her ear. "For such a smart girl you can be remarkably dense sometimes."

"I'm not sure I get it," Lily murmured, feeling daring and bold and like she could float. "Would you like to show me again?"

Yes, Lily had always loved Christmas. Even last year, when she and James spent their Christmas watching the home of a suspected Death Eater, frustrating both sets of parents who just couldn't understand why they had to work on Christmas. But Lily had a sinking feeling that this Christmas would be very different.

James had surveillance duty today. It was easier for him to do during the day. He was in Auror training, and his schedule could vary as much as it needed to. Her cover, as an archivist at the Daily Prophet, was much more difficult to maintain. But it was important. She was able to find patterns and pass on the information to the Order. And who in their right mind would suspect a mild mannered archivist to be a spy?

When she had offered that suggestion at dinner a few nights ago Sirius snorted.

"Evans," he said, leaning back in his chair like he had never been taught table manners, "who has ever called you mild mannered?"

But at work they thought of her as quiet and meek, which was all the better for her. It was easier to work unobserved by the only other member of her department, a boisterous man named Selewyn who Lily suspected was a Death Eater. James worried about her at work. Well, she worried about James.

But today this pit in her stomach was not from her concern about James- that was a separate feeling, a knot that kept tightening every time she looked at the clock. No, it was about the letter she had received from her mother when she had gotten home to the small flat that she and James shared in Diagon Alley.

 _My dear daughter,_

 _A very happy Christmas to you! I hope this letter finds you quickly- I know that you say the post will be able to find you, but I do worry. I also do wish that you could install a telephone. Isn't there a spell that would be able to make it work?_

 _We hope to have you (and James if you wish to bring him) over for a Christmas eve tea this year. It was so very sad to miss you last year. I know that your career is important to you, but you will only ever have one family!_

 _Speaking of family, I have happy happy news for you- your sister is expecting! She is three months along. We (your father and I) are so very excited to be grandparents. Perhaps you ought to send her a letter? I am certain she would be grateful to hear from you._

 _Please write quickly (or find a telephone!) and let us know if you'll be able to come to Christmas Eve tea._

 _Love,_

 _your mother_

It was not only the thought of seeing Petunia again that had her on edge. It was reading that Petunia was pregnant. And it wasn't only the thought of Petunia and Vernon producing some poor child to be cursed with their parentage. It was also the reminder that her period was weeks late.

Lily glanced over at the bookshelf, where the volume of household spells that Euphermia Potter had pressed into her hand when she and James moved in together was stored. There was certainly a pregnancy detecting spell in that book. But if she cast it then she would know. And then everything would change.

Instead Lily lit a fire in their hearth, and set towards making merry. She had always been gifted at charms, and soon was producing garland to drape across the mantle of their fireplace. Then golden baubles, then red baubles. It was not merry enough. So Lily lit a fire in the oven, and set a bowl to mix together butter and sugar.

As long as she was working she could not think. As long as she was focusing on her spellwork she could not think about Petunia's spawn or her mum's guilt trip. As long as she was rolling and stamping gingerbread men she could not worry about being pregnant or Selewyn figuring out what she was up to. As long as she was twisting the garland by hand she could not worry about James' lateness, or this war, or why they had not been more careful.

The truth was, being alive when you thought you might die had an aphrodisiac affect on her. And James it turned out felt the same. There were times when they only had to look at each other and they were tearing at each other's clothes, hoping to be reminded that they were, against all other possibilities, still alive. It was damn near impossible to remember a contraceptive charm after those close brushes with death.

There was a crack outside their apartment, and a key turned in the door. Lily whipped around and held out a wand.

James stood at the door, looking tired but relieved, steadily pointing his wand towards Lily.

He spoke first.

"My favorite Christmas song?"

"Happy Xmas, War is Over," Lily answered without hesitation. It was the one muggle record he had ever bought. James nodded and lowered his wand. Now she had to think.

"How do I drink my coffee?"

James snorted and shook his head. "Anyone who has ever observed you would know that, Evans. White with cream, no sugar. And lukewarm today. What a monster."

"Well, I don't prefer it lukewarm," Lily snapped. "Someone just distracts me in the morning."

"Sorry about that," James said, looking not the least bit sorry, and Lily lowered her wand. James crossed the room in a few long strides and wrapped Lily in his arms.

"How are you? How was it?"

"Dull. Dull and safe," James said, as Lily rested her head against his chest. "But then when I got back to headquarters Dodge interrogated me for over an hour. How was the archive?"

"Selewyn disappeared again, and I found two new accounts of inferi in Ireland."

James grasped her tighter and kissed her on the forehead. "We don't have to talk about that tonight." He shifted his weight as Lily kept grasping him. "Gingerbread, decorations, mistletoe? All we need is a tree."

"I thought you might want to help with that," Lily confessed. "I don't fancy going out alone right now."

"Me either, Lils. But this looks beautiful. Magical, even."

"Magical," Lily repeated, and astonished herself by suddenly bursting into tears.

"Lily? What's wrong?" It was funny how helpless James looked when faced with a crying woman. Funny enough that Lily began to giggle through the tears, but only ended up snorting. James carefully guided Lily to the couch and passed her a handkerchief. She promptly blew her nose and filled it with snot.

"Lily. What happened?"

"James- Petunia's pregnant," Lily said, and gave an almighty hiccup.

"That's unfortunate for the world, Lils, but not worth crying over," James said sternly. Lily gave another half giggle, half sob.

"My mum wrote to tell me that Tunie's pregnant, and that reminded me that I'm late, and that got me thinking-"

"You're what?"

"I'm late, James. Late. I haven't bloody bled in weeks."

"Are you pregnant, Lily?"

James only ever used her proper name when he was being serious.

"I don't bloody know!" Lily almost shouted. "I've been too scared to find out."

"Then let's find out together," James said. He raised his wand.

"Wait," Lily said. "The book. It has the spell. It's over there."

"I already know the spell," James said.

"Why do you already know the spell?" Lily said hotly. It struck her as unfair somehow that he should know the spell and she did not, and the injustice was enough to stop her tears at least for now. "Did your father teach you or something?"

"Sirius did," James said impatiently. "Are you ready?"

"Why did Sirius teach you?"

"Because he had to learn and he wanted us all to know," James said with an air of great patience.

"But why did Sirius need to learn?"

"Evans. Please. I am trying to make a grand discovery here and you are asking, quite frankly, stupid questions that if you thought for five seconds you could answer yourself."

"Oh my God. Marlene."

"Merlin, Evans. Did you really just realize that?"

Lily felt embarrassed, but at least she wasn't crying anymore. "Shut up."

"It's just been three years and you never realized that Marlene and Sirius were shagging in sixth year?"

"Please stop and do the damn test."

"As my lady commands," James said, and waved his wand over Lily.

 _"Qui gravidam."_

A swooping feeling came through Lily's stomach, and slowly a golden bubble, no larger than a bean, floated above her stomach.

"What does that mean?"

James looked shocked. "I don't know. I've never seen it actually performed."

Lily smacked James on the arm. "Kindly find out. Now!"

"Yes, yes," James said, looking flustered. He began to scan the bookshelf, pulling out random books, and started to leaf through _An Advanced Guide to Transfiguration_.

"The book your mum gave, James. I'm certain it's there," Lily said, trying very hard to remain calm. James dropped his old transfiguration book and began furiously flipping through the pages.

"Contraceptive, fertility- pregnancy test. A line will indicate a negative, while a sphere means contraception has taken place." James glanced wildly between the book and the glowing orb slowly sinking back into Lily's stomach. "I mean conception."

"So," Lily said slowly, "I'm pregnant."

James passed her back the book. And there the words were, exactly as he had read.

"Shit," Lily said, feeling light headed all of the sudden.

"Fuck," James agreed, and ran his long fingers through his already messy hair.

"What do we do about it?" Lily asked.

"What do you mean, what do we do about it?" James responded, looking startled. "There's not much we can do about a baby. They come when they want to."

"Doesn't Saint Mungolo's perform the procedure?"

"The procedure? But we already know you're pregnant."

"Not the test, James. The procedure." At James' blank look Lily sighed. "An abortion?"

James cocked an eyebrow and shook his head. "I don't know that word."

"It's a medical procedure meant to terminate a pregnancy," Lily said. It was astonishing, really, how clinical her language became when talking about the unseemly. She noticed that same impulse in the war- casualties instead of deaths, collateral damage instead of innocent suffering. She pushed aside the connection and focused on her boyfriend in front of her.

James closed his eyes and gave one brief nod. "Ah."

"Do they?" Lily's voice was almost a whisper.

"No, Lils." James' eyes had opened and they were fastened on her. They were gentle. "I've only ever heard of such a thing in whispers. And from my mum. She said it was dark magic, a curse upon a house. There are rumors of spells and potions, but…" James' voice trailed off.

"But nothing that we could use."

"Nothing that I know about," James corrected. He hesitated. "Do you want to?" His eyes were still gentle, but his voice was clinical. So was hers, she realized.

"I don't know," she said, and bit her lip. "I just always thought I would have a choice in this."

"Do muggle have this- procedure?" Lily nodded. James' glance became fixed away. "Do you want to have it?"

"I don't know," Lily responded, and promptly broke down into tears again. James began rubbing gentle circles on Lily's back and guided her to the sofa that sat opposite of the hearth. The warmth of the fire and the warmth of James slowly calmed her back down to where she was sniffling.

"We could do one of those bloody pros and cons list that you're always making," James volunteered.

"Cons first," Lily said. James nodded.

"Alright. Cons- Evans, what do you have?"

"We're too young," she promptly said.

"Nineteen," James added.

"There's a war and we don't know if we'll survive. I don't want to leave an orphan."

"Understandable."

"We're not ready to be parents. We're not even married."

"He'd be a bastard," James agreed. Lily leveled a glare at him. "Or she."

"That was not what needed correcting, James," Lily said cooly.

"Illegitimate," James said with a courtly wave of his hand. "Continue."

"Babies are messy and smelly and loud."

"You're not wrong."

"And…" Lily sighed, "I just never imagined it happening this way."

James's hand found the nape of Lily's neck and began gently rubbing it. "I never imagined any of this happening this way."

"What did you imagine?"

"Graduating during peace, becoming a Quidditch star, living in luxury with at least a five woman haram," James said, then grunted. "When did your elbows become so pointy, Lils?"

"You're not supposed to upset pregnant women," Lily sniffed.

"You'd be there, of course," James added with a casual wickedness. "As my favorite concubine."

"Only," Lily demanded.

"Favorite maid," James countered. Lily rolled her eyes.

"You do not want me to be your maid." Remus referred to her as Hurricane Lily. She preferred to think of the mess as constructive clutter.

"Why not? Everything would be beautiful as long as it was Christmas all year round."

"We can't afford it," Lily added suddenly. "This rent is tight enough with my tiny salary and the stipend you get for auror training. We couldn't afford a baby. I couldn't afford to take time off of work."

"You're right," said James. His fingers were working through her hair which was loose about her shoulders. "Neither of us are rich enough that we could leave our jobs and never worry about money."

"James. Working matters to me. This is my war."

"I know Evans," and his voice was so gentle that Lily felt herself melting just a little bit. "You're bloody impossible sense of right and wrong is part of why I fell in love with you. But you're correlating the work and money. I know you'll never stop what you do. And we can afford to do it without getting paid."

"But I don't want to take your family's money."

"That's why we haven't. But we could."

Lily sniffed and relaxed into James' touch as his fingers moved to tracing circles on her back.

"Are we ready to switch to the pros now?"

Lily could not think of any more cons, even as she was sure they were there, and so she conceded.

"It would be ours," Lily said, her voice hesitant.

"So it would be the best baby on Earth."

"There would be some good coming into the world."

"Almost a public service, really."

"I've always wanted to be a mum." Lily's voice was so soft she could almost not hear it. James grasped her hand tightly.

"I've dreamed about having babies with you."

Lily sighed. "Is that enough, though? Is that enough for us to do this?"

"You forgot the most important reason of all."

"Because we love each other?"

"What? No," James said, his voice filled with mock indignation. "When did you get to be such a sap? No, the most important thing is that Voldy would hate it."

Lily blinked and looked up at her boyfriend. "Come again?"

"A pureblood and a muggleborn giving birth? It goes against everything he stands for. And because you're you, and I'm me, he-or she," James hastily added upon seeing Lily's glare, "would be amazing. Impossible to ignore. Proof positive against everything he believes."

"So. To be clear, you want to have a baby because it would serve as what, a prank, against Voldemort?" Lily's voice was tart. James gave her a broad smile.

"I'm just saying it's something we should consider."

"I don't think the most evil wizard in the country would be paying much attention to our child."

"Ah, well," James said and shrugged, "it never hurts to be underestimated."

Lily dropped her head onto James' shoulder, and stared into the fire. They listened together to the snaps and cracks while the shadows grew longer and longer. The room was almost in darkness when Lily spoke again.

"I just don't want to give birth to a bastard."

"Is that what's stopping you?" James said. Lily hesitated. James captured her face between his hands and stared into her eyes. His hazel eyes, usually so merry, were solemn.

"If you need to, Lils, I'll find a bloody muggle healer and have them do the- aberration? I will do anything for you. Anything. But I need to know what you want."

"I think- I think I want our baby. I just-"

"You want to be married." Lily nodded. "Easy enough. Evans, will you marry me?"

Lily once again burst into tears.

"Lils? Everything alright?"

It had to be the hormones, those damned hormones, there was no way she could otherwise be becoming a girl who cried all the time.

"This," she gasped between sobs. "This is what I didn't want. I don't want to be the angry married couple who are only together because they made a mistake."

"Pretty early to jump to being an angry married couple when you haven't said yes yet," James said.

"But we will be," Lily insisted. "You ask me to marry you because I'm pregnant. No ring, no speech- you didn't even ask my father. And I just-" Lily wasn't sure where her concern was moving.

"Shit," James said. He ran his fingers through his hair, making it look even messier than usual. "I've fucked everything up." He wrapped an arm around Lily and tried to pull her closer. She pushed him off.

"No," she said. "I'm mad at you."

"That's fair," James said, and he hesitated. "Lily, I lied earlier about why I was late."

"Are you stupid?" Lily said and turned to glare at her boyfriend. "You're supposed to be apologizing, not giving me more reasons to be mad."

"I had to see someone. In the muggle world," James said, and lifted his brows significantly. Lily could feel a buzz of anticipation. "Your father."

"Oh," Lily said.

"I had a whole plan, you know. Christmas, your favorite day of the year. I wasn't sure if we should do it here in privacy, or with your family so you could show off to Petunia. But I think now is better."

James waved his wand and a tiny box came flying out of his coat pocket. He caught it neatly, then turned to her and began sinking onto one knee.

"Lily Margaret Evans," James began, and Lily gasped and sat upright.

"You don't have to," she weakly protested. He ignored her.

"Lily Margaret Evans. I have been in love with you for ages. For your kindness and your passion and your fire, your brilliant mind and your ferocious bravery. I know I'm only annoyingly good looking and devastatingly clever, but I cannot imagine living without you. And baby or procedure, I want to be with you for the rest of my life. Will you please marry me?" He opened the box with a flourish.

In the box laid a gold ring. There was a ruby laid between two intertwining bands, set almost flat, and diamond inset in the bands themselves. It was lovely and like no other engagement ring Lily had seen. She picked it up and examined it closer.

"I thought it fit you," James said nervously. "All fire and passion. But if you don't like it we can get you something else. Maybe something a little more traditional-"

"Yes."

"Yes to a new ring? Or yes to me?"

"To you, you dolt," Lily said, and she dropped the box in her lap as she reached over to kiss her boyfriend-no, fiancé, hard. He was surprised at first, but soon he was kissing her with equal fever.

"How long have you been planning this?" she asked when they broke away. James took the ring out of the box and lovingly slid it onto her finger.

"A few months. It was difficult to find the right ring for you. Eventually my mum remembered my great-grandmum's ring. Then the rest was all planning."

"I can't believe it." James rolled his eyes, the effect ruined by a broad smile.

"Well, Evans, for a smart girl you can be quite dense."

"It will be Potter soon," Lily reminded James, and she rested her head on his shoulder.

"We'll have to tell our friends," James murmured.

"We can have them over for dinner," Lily said. James snorted.

"I'll cook."

"I can cook!"

"Gingerbread cookies are not dinner, Potter." Lily wanted to argue, but being called Potter made her feel light.

"Wait. I will marry you on two conditions." Lily's voice was playful. James raised an eyebrow.

"Which are?"

"You have to propose again with a big show at Christmas, in front of Petunia."

"Easy enough."

"And," Lily let the word dangle. "You have to do it with the most visibly expensive ring you can find. You can even transfigure it, I don't care."

"So you want a new ring," James said, blinking. He thought she'd love his choice.

"No," said Lily, and she looked suddenly stern. "I adore this." She twisted it around her finger. "I just want you to propose with a different ring. An enormous, gaudy, tacky thing. One that reminds Petunia that I'm marrying rich. She'll never forgive me for it."

"Savage," James said. He liked this plan. He liked it when Lily indulged in her devious side. "You make it sound like you're only marrying me for my money."

"I thought you knew that already," Lily said, and James laughed, pulling her in for a kiss.

They sat together for the rest of the night, letting the fire burn down low and sharing the gingerbread men that Lily had made as their dinner. When it got late James started to doze, his head falling against Lily's shoulder. She left it there.

Pregnant and engaged. Next year she would become a wife and a mother. It was like nothing that she had imagined. She was too young. It was too dangerous. It was borderline foolish.

There were all the reasons why she should not do it. But, Lily thought as she stared at her new ring, the ruby glowing in the light of the fire, nothing in her life had gone according to plan yet, and she couldn't bring herself to regret any of it. Why should this be any different?


End file.
